Transformers Sucked. There. I Said It.

Okay, hopefully everyone has seen Transfomers by now. If you haven't, and you don't want any spoilers/downers, don't read this post! The thing is, I really, really wanted to like this movie, but I thought it was awful. Before I saw it I was cautiously optimistic- I knew it was going to be a departure from the toys and the cartoons I loved so dearly as a kid, so I planned to enjoy it as a separate entity. The problem is that other than the special effects, there wasn't a whole lot to like.

This opinion has made me an outcast among my peers. Everyone seems to love the film, even my friend Mike who is the biggest Transformers fan I know- he was 100% determined to hate the new movie, and he loved it! It wasn't until Carly and Daniel called me to share their disappointment that I started to feel better. Honestly, I felt like I was taking crazy pills. What was everyone else seeing that I missed? In any case, here are a few of the items that ruined my enjoyment of the movie:

1. In the original cartoon, the Transformers had one alternate vehicle they could change into. In the movie, they can scan anything they want and transform into new vehicles at will. That's fine, if they stick with the premise. But in the heat of battle, is a Camaro or Solstice really the best choice when all the enemies are jets and tanks? That just didn't make sense. Speaking of which, if they can turn into anything they want (including advanced Cybertronian space craft) why do they have to result to crash landings that destroy baseball stadiums?



2. So in turn, these robots can automatically reconfigure themselves into whatever devices they want. And yet Bumblebee's vocal circuits are damaged so he can't speak- and no one can figure out how to fix them. So, why can't they just regenerate like every other time they get damaged? And if they are damaged beyond repair, why can he all the sudden talk at the end? Mike theorized that his vocal circuits were repaired when he touched the cube, the way Frenzy (the boombox guy) was. Okay, but then why did he still wait several hours to talk?



3. "Okay, we have this all-mighty cosmic artifact, and the fate of the world rests on getting it to the top of this building immediately. Who should take it up there? Not you, giant warrior robots. Not you, platoon of combat Marines. Ummm...You! 16 year old boy!" Though in his defense, he did really haul up there.



4. When Prime is fighting Bonecrusher (the military truck Decepticon) he decapitates him with a blade that pops out of his wrist (which was awesome, by the way). So, where was that the rest of the movie? Weren't there about a hundred other times that would've come in handy?



5. They explain in the beginning that the Cube creates life, but some life forms choose to be evil, while some choose to be good. So why did every new transformer created in the movie (Cell phone, X-box, Mountain Dew machine) instantly start attacking everyone? Were they upset about being shameless marketing tie-ins? If they were, tell it to the poor Autobots, who were all stuck being GM products (sorry Andy).



6. It didn't seem like they knew who they were making this movie for- there was death and profanity, yet it was full of immature fart and masturbation jokes and juvenille dialog. This came to a head during the excruciatingly bad scene in which the kids are looking for the glasses while the Autobots hide outside. Why couldn't they have just stayed transformed out on the street? It already felt like the Transformers were only in token scenes in the movie, so how come in one of them I have to listen to the mom saying "We could call it 'Sam's happy time'" and Ironhide asking "Can I eliminate the parents?" while Prime responds "No Ironhide, we do not harm humans, remember?" It was hard to make it through that sequence without clawing out my eyeballs. And speaking of which...



7. At one point Bunblebee flips up a cap on his crotch, and pees lubricant on one of the governments agents. This was that point where the movie became like a troubled relative: I wasn't angry at it for doing dumb things anymore- I was now simply disappointed in the choices it made. Really, Transformers? You're resorting to robot pee humor? I expected more from you. I...I can't look at you right now.



8. And then, in the final shot, we see Sam and Michaela making out on the hood of his car...WHICH IS BUMBLEBEE. They are making out on top of a sentient being WHILE ALL THE OTHER AUTOBOTS WATCH. I can't be the only one who thinks that's creepy.

Transformers is one of the many movies that makes me think I should move to Hollywood and become a "common sense consultant." Seriously- Just let me run through your script to screen out lame dialogue and robot pee humor before you spend billions of dollars making the movie. Loads of movies have correctable mistakes- like The One (Jason Statham's American accent stunk, so give up on it) or The Forgotten (Easily the most troubling good movie with a terrible ending-change it)- that I'm amazed no one in the business can figure out. I know there's more- feel free to leave other ones in the comments!

I think the easiest fix for Transformers would have been to make it a kid's movie. If that's what it was, lots of these things would have been forgiven. It's almost as though that's what they were shooting for, but then at the last minute they decided to beef it up to R, then backed it up to PG-13 to maximize profits (which I'm sure it did). Unfortunately they were left with a movie that just didn't fit together. That's the main problem- inconsistency. You want to change the entire premise of Transformers? Fine. But you have to stick with it.

I liked both Bad Boys movies, even though they weren't actually "good." Still, after The Island I thought Michael Bay might have the chops to pull this movie off (plus, let's not forget the legendary The Rock). But instead of making it to Bryan Singertown, it looks like he's headed for Brett Ratnerville.

Prison Thriller

I really have nothing to add. Except that I wonder how fierce the competition for the part of the girlfriend was.

Random Searches

I'm back in Maryland for the weekend. It looks like all the scheduled trips are going to happen as planned, which means New Orleans next week and LA the week after that. All went well in Texas this week, after the torrential downpour we had to drive through to get to the hotel. This keeps with the theme of horrible weather when I'm in Texas.

My reason for posting today is that I think I finally saw confirmation that the TSA searches are indeed random. I used to always say "how random can they be if it's always me?" because seriously- I used to get the extra search all the time. But on my way out of DFW, I saw them searching a woman who was wearing a tank top, those black spandex bike-short looking pants, and flip flops. What did they think she had on her? If she was trying to smuggle something onto the plane, they weren't going to find it with a standard pat-down. I guess it's good that they follow the rules, but it certainly didn't help them in the much-needed common sense department.

Best. Gift Card. Ever.

There are times in my life when I think I should stop buying Transformers. And then there are times when I see things that leave me absolutely no choice. Behold: a Target gift card that TRANSFORMS INTO OPTIMUS PRIME.I saw it in the store, tried to determine if anyone I knew had a birthday coming up, came up with a goose egg, and thought "screw, it- this one's for me." I did put $5 on it to avoid suspicion from the checkout girl, but whatever- I'll just spend it next time I go shopping. Of course, that presents the issue that I'm going to have to use a transforming gift card to buy my Target-brand cereal, and then ask for it back. I just hope no one I know is around- unlike the time I ran into my boss and had a five-minute conversation while holding a stick of deodorant, two packs of underwear and two bags of jumbo marshmallows.

More Links

It's Saturday afternoon, I'm about to skip town for 2 (or 3) weeks, and nothing all that interesting has happened has happened lately. You know what that means- internet links trump an actual post!

Artist creates a "sculpture" in city's main intersection to celebrate Tour de France- consisting of multiple, conflicting road signs. What could go wrong?
Virtual Bubblewrap! I like the assessment that this could be either the best or worst gadget ever made. I'd be pretty shocked if this caught on, but then again, no one really saw slap bracelets coming. And speaking of awesome gadgets...

More baby names stuff. This is one of those "fine line" issues. I do hate it when people cop out and give their kids an overly generic or popular name, but I'm not sure I'm on board with paying consultants to help you chose. But check out the article, and notice how people struggle with the choice and still choose lame names.

Yes Virginia, there is an internet Moral Authority, and my new goal is to end up in their offender database. I was going to post some pictures of babies on the family farm, but it would seem that according to their criteria I've already got it covered. Oh well, just to be safe.

People spend millions to build their McMansions out in the country, and are then angry at the nearby farmers for using manure on their fields. Which they have been doing since, I don't know, the dawn of time? Sheesh.

Al Gore's son was arrested for speeding, possesion of marijuana and perscription drugs. At least he was driving a Prius!

Apparently, 2007 is on track to be the worst summer on record for flight delays. Tell me about it!

During a federal investigation, a passenger was let on to a plane with a fake bomb. Don't worry though, the TSA confiscated his water bottle. My favorite quote of the article: "We don't discuss the results (of our tests) because they tend to paint an inaccurate picture of the competency of our work force"

Have a great weekend!

Where I've Been, Including Tamarack

Okay, I totally stole this whole idea from Kate, but the website is pretty neat. It's a little more high-tech than the little map I have hanging at my desk, on which I color in each state with my highlighter as I visit them. Feel free to make your own!

In any case, this sparked a discussion about what counts as "visiting" a state- I say that you clearly can't count ones that you only drove through, dinner/comfort stops or no. This is why I called shenanigans on Kate. I don't count West Virginia, which I've driven through a million times, and I even stopped at Tamarack! I've also driven through Massachusetts a couple of times- once to go skiing for Daniel's bachelor party, and once because Carly and I left the Hartford airport going the wrong way and didn't notice until we saw the basketball hall of fame.

Tangent- I don't know if you've ever driven through the heart of West Virginia, but there are signs for this Tamarack everywhere. And I don't mean the occasional advert, I'm talking "You're only 250 miles from Tamarack- the Best of West Virginia!" Then later "You're only 225 miles from Tamarack- the Best of West Virginia!" and so on. By the time the signs were declaring that something remarkable was only 5 miles away, we had to stop. And how was it? It was okay. It's basically a glorified tourist shop, about twice the size of your average Ohio rest stop (but to be fair, the rest stops in Ohio are the best in the country, and you can quote me on that). Don't get me wrong, had we come expecting a simple restroom/snack machine stop we would have been pleasantly surprised. But I can't see how it justified all the hype. Plus, it was basically a really expensive chotchkie store. I remember seeing a little five-inch tall wood carving of a mouse standing on a piece of cheese, and it was thirty bucks! Oh dear God- you can actually see their catalog online! I don't see the mouse, but this carved bunny will run you $90. And check out the Bronze Squirrel Bookends, for the low, low price of $2,640! The website makes the place seem like a legitimate tourist destination, but make no mistake: it's a rest stop/tourist trap in the middle of nowhere.

So back on topic- my biggest conflict is whether or not to include South Carolina. I've never visited the state per se, but I did go to Carowinds, which is an amusement park that's actually in both North & South Carolina. Does that count? Oh, and I also included Louisiana because in two weeks I'll be making my first visit there for work. I've heard a lot about New Orleans (which is where I'll be), but the thing that really sticks with me is Jim describing it as "The only time in my life I've felt truly unsafe." Today Ramya told me that they stopped there when she was 13, and she remembers thinking "This place is dirty." So...sign me up!

I realize this is the first time I've mentioned Ramya, but don't worry- you're going to be hearing a lot more about her. More later!

Back in the USA

Annnnnnnnd, I'm home. Actually, I got home Friday afternoon, but I've been pretty busy up until right this moment so I hadn't had a chance to update the ole' blog. In any case, England was pretty much the same as everytime- just another business trip, only with massive jet lag. And there was a lot more driving since now the government contract flights are direct to Heathrow (London) instead of Manchester, making the drive to Wolverhampton 2.5 hours instead of 1, but whatever. We could still fly to Manchester if we wanted to, but we'd have to connect in Chicago. Somehow I refuse to fly 2 hours in the wrong direction only to make an 8-hour flight a 10-hour flight when I can just drive another hour, but that's just me.

Speaking of driving, we had a pretty sweet Peugeot this time, and it had one of those computers that told you your fuel economy all the time. Get this: it told you in miles per gallon, even though they sell gas in liters. How did that happen? I was talking with the British guys about this, and they said what's weirder is that in France, they measure fuel economy in liters per kilometer. So instead of 30 mpg, a car has 0.0784 l/km. I'm sure it's just upbringing, but that seems like a much less useful number to know. Other different things I noticed on this trip:

Live Free or Die Hard is called "Die Hard 4.0" over there. Not just Die Hard 4- apparently they use 2 significant digits at the cinema.

I saw an add for a brand of potato chips (crisps) called Man Crisps. Previously I've seen man-oriented marketing on the Yorkie candy bar, which proudly proclaims "It's Not For Girls!" right on the wrapper, but it still seems a little funny to me. This article refers to these kind of campaigns as "jumping on the mandwagon," and I think that's funny!

We were fairly unadventurous this time food-wise, opting to eat at KFC and Subway instead of local pubs, and though I always have trouble understanding people with accents other than Midwestern, the girl at Subway was something new. I can usually understand British people, but this was the first time I spoke to one who couldn't understand me at all. She would ask "What type of crisps do you want?" I'd say "the baked walkers, please." She'd say "Sorry?" I'd repeat myself. She'd look confused, say "What type of walkers?" I'd say "Baked, please?" and so on, until I ended up with the cheddar and onion variety. It's not what I wanted, but I already had a bottle of Diet Coke when I wanted a fountain Sprite so I let it go. Anyway, the point of this story is that we can sit over here in the United States, fat, dumb and happy thinking we have the most powerful onion flavored potato chips, but dear lord- the United Kingdom clearly has the advantage. I think I could take a bite out of a raw onion and it wouldn't have been as oniony as those crisps. Once I got used to them (or my taste buds burned away) they weren't bad, but I'm sure I had some killer breath thereafter.

And finally, I'll admit that I have trouble with British currency. It's still a handy base-10 system, but I don't recognize any of the coins and I always end up feeling like I'm in a Harry Potter book (how many knuts in a galleon?). But I'm a little confused by the 2 pence coin. It's like a 2 cent coin, and what's the point of that? Is it really worth manufacturing a whole separate coin for 2 cents, when we don't even have a 2 dollar bill anymore (really)? You change would have to end in 4 or 9 pretty often to make it work, and it doesn't because tax is always already included in the price, and they all end in 0 or 5 as it is. I'm sure they have it all worked out.

Plus, there was actually one day that it was sunny, which was the first time I've ever seen the sun in Wolverhampton. It was a nice change of pace. Oh, for another fun note, we took the train from the hotel to the airport, and I woke up at 4:30 a.m. (11:30 p.m. EST) to make the 5:30 train. When I finally laid down in bed Friday night it was 11:30, marking an even 24 hours awake. Woo-hoo! Of course the only reason I was up that late is because my buddy Eric was in town for a visit and we got stuck playing Donkey Konga, but whatever. It was all good. Now I'm here for a week, then it's off to Texas for a week. It's like that Jet Set game show I saw on the BBC, but for places no one really wants to go. And I get a lot less money. But I'm not complaining.

Word Verification

I'm about to head out the door, but here's a quick Blogger note. You know how you have to do that word verification thing to leave a comment? Check out the one I got the other day:
Seriously? I have now idea what that's supposed to be. Obviously I didn't get it right (I deleted the question mark) so the world may never know.

I'm actually heading out toward Dulles early (my flight is at 9:47 pm), because we discovered long ago that you're much better off going to Tysons Corner before rush hour, killing some time at the mall, then heading to the airport rather than fighting traffic. I think Shelley and I are going to see Ratatouille, because I didn't get to see it last week like I planned.

Speaking of which, I did get to see Transformers and Live Free or Die Hard. Transformers was worth seeing, especially if you're a fan like me. I was surprised by how childish some of the humor was, and yet there was also violence and profanity. It was kind of like they couldn't decide who the intended audience was. I was disappointed, but it was still a nice spectacle and I recommend checking it out. Die Hard, on the other hand, exceeded my expectations in every way. I thought it was going to be one of those cop-out, just to make money sequels, but it was a really fun movie. They went all out, and it's quite possibly the best one of the series. They even have a nice scene involving the JSF (sorry, I mean the "Lightning II"). It's not quite right, and they could've talked to me for like 2 minutes and fixed about 5 glaring errors, but what are you gonna do? Only a real dork like me would notice. But if they're going to spend millions of dollars on a scene, why don't they start with a simple internet search to check the facts? This is another reason I should be a consultant in Hollywood- the first being to screen out horrible dialog.

Allright, I better run. If anyone's wondering what the weather in Wolverhampton is going to be the next few days, it looks a little like this: rain, cloudy, light rain, rain. In other words, just like always. I'll update you next weekend!

Back in MD (for now)

I'm back in Maryland, and I made it without incident. This does not, however, indicate that I will ever fly Delta again. I think the next time I need to get back to South Bend I'll do what Mom and Jim have been suggesting for years, and fly to Chicago, then take one of the hourly trains or buses that run to the South Bend airport. I've had it with these connections that never leave on time!

There were only two oddities about the trip back. The first one was when I checked in for my flight in South Bend. The Delta ticket counter was set up just like every counter for every airline these days: there was the big tensa-barrier maze for the people waiting to talk to an actual person (with about 10 people waiting), and then next to that were the self-check in terminals (with no one using them). So I went up and checked myself in, then waited for the lady to take my suitcase and check my ID. She walks up, I hand her my tickets and drivers license, and we have this exchange:

Lady: [eyeing me suspiciously] Were you just in that line? [indicating the ticket counter line]
Me: Oh no, I just used this self-check in thing.
Lady: [shaking head] Mmmm-mmmm, people goin’ to be maaad at you.
Me: Wha…why?
Lady: You just cut in front of all those people!
Me: Oh…isn’t that the line to speak to an agent? I had an e-ticket.
Lady: [somewhat menacingly] Whatever. You just better hope none a’ them saw that.
Me: Uh…sorry?
Lady: Alright, well what is your name?
Me: [eyeing the two airline tickets with my full name in her right hand and my drivers license in her left] Marc Burgess.
Lady: [with plenty of attitude] Okay Mr. Burgess, let’s get you on your plane.

And so we did. Mind you, two other travelers walked up to the self-check in terminals and used them without waiting in line during all of this. That’s how it works, lady! Sheesh. Anyway, I sort of like the South Bend airport because it’s so small. You go to the gate, and the little Canadair jets sort of pull up to the curb to pick you up. So I got on the plane with about 15 spoiled Notre Dame kids and we were off!

Oh right, the other oddity. When we landed in Baltimore, we did that whole walk off the plane directly onto the tarmac thing. As I’m leaving the plane, the bag handlers (throwers) were already unloading our bags. I had the premonitory thought “I wish I could just grab my bag right now, since it’s like 10 feet away.” But of course you can’t, so I made my way to the claim. Not only was the claim number not listed anywhere, but of the 6 Delta claims, only two were in use. So all Delta passengers from all flights (150 or so) were to claim their bags at the same two carousels, making for quite the claustrophobic experience. The wait became more and more annoying, and when my suitcase finally turned up I kept thinking “Yup, 35 minutes ago I walked right past it.” Seriously, where does luggage go for so long between the plane and the claim? Anyway.

I enjoyed my little vacation, but I think I need to learn how to actually relax. I got in about 2 hours of hammock reading time, and the rest of it I was kind of on the go. Not only was Mom at the cottage with me, but so were Howard and Jasmine, and Dad and Jeanie were in town as well. So I spent most of the time playing games, running around town, and even helping out with errands at the cottage. As I was leaving, I thought “Wait a minute, I was supposed to be relaxing.” It was a good time, but as always, it was over too soon!

So now I have exactly one day at home before I turn around and fly right back out to England. We have a couple of meetings in Jolly ole Wolverhampton, then I’ll be back Friday, at which point my buddy Eric will be in town for a few days. I’m not taking my computer, so you won’t hear from me this week, but I’ll let you know if I have any great discoveries over there when I get back. Have a great week!

10 Years and Counting

So I got up at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday, left for the airport right around 4:00, and got there in plenty of time for my 6:45 flight. I slept all the way through that bad boy and landed in Cincinnati at 8 something. I had 4 hours to kill, so I tried to sleep, but couldn’t because the CNN airport network was absolutely blaring at every gate. So I kind of sat there with my eyes closed, until about 11:00 when I wandered back to see if the Gold Star chili was open yet. It was, and it was spectacular!

Eventually I got on my flight to South Bend, slept from wheels up to touchdown, and ta-dah, back home again in Indiana! Only a scant 41 hours later than planned. I made my way to the baggage claim, waited, and here’s the shocker: my bag never showed up. I went to the baggage counter and asked about it. The lady types a whole bunch and says “Oh, here they are. We have them right…in…Baltimore.” That’s right- they never left. I even mentioned it when I checked in, and they said it was all taken care of. So I give her my address, blah blah. I went home, took about an hour nap, showered, put my same clothes back on and headed to the reunion.

It was much more fun than I expected! The club-room thing at the Cove was actually pretty nice- there was plenty of space for tables and chairs, and there was even some stadium seating where all the significant others could watch the ballgame. We had a decent turnout- I’d estimate there were about 50 or 60 classmates there, which is significantly better than the 20 or 30 Howard said came to his. And for a class of 240 people, a fifth to a quarter is not bad. My friend/sophmore year at Purdue roommate James was there, but other than him, there weren’t really any first-tier people there that I wanted to see. No Andrew, no Brad, Jamie, Chris- pretty much no band or tech crew people. Nonetheless, there were still plenty of people that I really enjoyed catching up with.

So how did everyone look? In a word, old. It was actually much harder to recognize people than I thought it was going to be! Some people looked the same, but most had put on at least 20 pounds. I think I was about the only person who had lost weight since high school, which leads to the next thought- They had a little contest where you could vote for who had changed the most or least in the last 10 years. Well, I placed second in the “changed the most” category! Martin Bohman was #1, but he earned it- I would not have been able to pick him out of a lineup. So after they announced that, I asked a few people if I really looked that different. They always answered something like “Oh God yes!” or “I didn’t realize it was you until you started talking!” I asked what’s so different, and they all said “You’re so skinny!” I’ve made the conscious decision to take this as a compliment.

The other interesting note was that I seemed to be the only person who came from more than about an hour away. People would ask where I was living, and I’d say Maryland. They’d say “And you flew all the way out here for this?” Well, no it was kind of a stop on my trip. But nonetheless, it was worth it. I stayed until 11ish, declined going out for drinks after it broke up (I did get up at 3:00) and headed for home.

So yeah, I got to see pictures of classmates’s 8 & 9 year old kids, hear some stories (some people are doing great, some people have had it rough), and generally reminisce about the old days. Since it’s coming up for a lot of us, I definitely recommend attending the 10-year reunion. I can’t wait to see what’s happening at the 20!

Now I’m at the cottage, where I’ll be kickin’ it with various family members for the next few days, and then I head back to the LP Saturday. I might not do too many updates, because it is a pain on this dial-up connection. Oh yeah, and my luggage finally showed up Sunday night. It was nice to have deodorant and new underwear. Have a great week everyone!