Transformers Sucked. There. I Said It.

Okay, hopefully everyone has seen Transfomers by now. If you haven't, and you don't want any spoilers/downers, don't read this post! The thing is, I really, really wanted to like this movie, but I thought it was awful. Before I saw it I was cautiously optimistic- I knew it was going to be a departure from the toys and the cartoons I loved so dearly as a kid, so I planned to enjoy it as a separate entity. The problem is that other than the special effects, there wasn't a whole lot to like.

This opinion has made me an outcast among my peers. Everyone seems to love the film, even my friend Mike who is the biggest Transformers fan I know- he was 100% determined to hate the new movie, and he loved it! It wasn't until Carly and Daniel called me to share their disappointment that I started to feel better. Honestly, I felt like I was taking crazy pills. What was everyone else seeing that I missed? In any case, here are a few of the items that ruined my enjoyment of the movie:

1. In the original cartoon, the Transformers had one alternate vehicle they could change into. In the movie, they can scan anything they want and transform into new vehicles at will. That's fine, if they stick with the premise. But in the heat of battle, is a Camaro or Solstice really the best choice when all the enemies are jets and tanks? That just didn't make sense. Speaking of which, if they can turn into anything they want (including advanced Cybertronian space craft) why do they have to result to crash landings that destroy baseball stadiums?



2. So in turn, these robots can automatically reconfigure themselves into whatever devices they want. And yet Bumblebee's vocal circuits are damaged so he can't speak- and no one can figure out how to fix them. So, why can't they just regenerate like every other time they get damaged? And if they are damaged beyond repair, why can he all the sudden talk at the end? Mike theorized that his vocal circuits were repaired when he touched the cube, the way Frenzy (the boombox guy) was. Okay, but then why did he still wait several hours to talk?



3. "Okay, we have this all-mighty cosmic artifact, and the fate of the world rests on getting it to the top of this building immediately. Who should take it up there? Not you, giant warrior robots. Not you, platoon of combat Marines. Ummm...You! 16 year old boy!" Though in his defense, he did really haul up there.



4. When Prime is fighting Bonecrusher (the military truck Decepticon) he decapitates him with a blade that pops out of his wrist (which was awesome, by the way). So, where was that the rest of the movie? Weren't there about a hundred other times that would've come in handy?



5. They explain in the beginning that the Cube creates life, but some life forms choose to be evil, while some choose to be good. So why did every new transformer created in the movie (Cell phone, X-box, Mountain Dew machine) instantly start attacking everyone? Were they upset about being shameless marketing tie-ins? If they were, tell it to the poor Autobots, who were all stuck being GM products (sorry Andy).



6. It didn't seem like they knew who they were making this movie for- there was death and profanity, yet it was full of immature fart and masturbation jokes and juvenille dialog. This came to a head during the excruciatingly bad scene in which the kids are looking for the glasses while the Autobots hide outside. Why couldn't they have just stayed transformed out on the street? It already felt like the Transformers were only in token scenes in the movie, so how come in one of them I have to listen to the mom saying "We could call it 'Sam's happy time'" and Ironhide asking "Can I eliminate the parents?" while Prime responds "No Ironhide, we do not harm humans, remember?" It was hard to make it through that sequence without clawing out my eyeballs. And speaking of which...



7. At one point Bunblebee flips up a cap on his crotch, and pees lubricant on one of the governments agents. This was that point where the movie became like a troubled relative: I wasn't angry at it for doing dumb things anymore- I was now simply disappointed in the choices it made. Really, Transformers? You're resorting to robot pee humor? I expected more from you. I...I can't look at you right now.



8. And then, in the final shot, we see Sam and Michaela making out on the hood of his car...WHICH IS BUMBLEBEE. They are making out on top of a sentient being WHILE ALL THE OTHER AUTOBOTS WATCH. I can't be the only one who thinks that's creepy.

Transformers is one of the many movies that makes me think I should move to Hollywood and become a "common sense consultant." Seriously- Just let me run through your script to screen out lame dialogue and robot pee humor before you spend billions of dollars making the movie. Loads of movies have correctable mistakes- like The One (Jason Statham's American accent stunk, so give up on it) or The Forgotten (Easily the most troubling good movie with a terrible ending-change it)- that I'm amazed no one in the business can figure out. I know there's more- feel free to leave other ones in the comments!

I think the easiest fix for Transformers would have been to make it a kid's movie. If that's what it was, lots of these things would have been forgiven. It's almost as though that's what they were shooting for, but then at the last minute they decided to beef it up to R, then backed it up to PG-13 to maximize profits (which I'm sure it did). Unfortunately they were left with a movie that just didn't fit together. That's the main problem- inconsistency. You want to change the entire premise of Transformers? Fine. But you have to stick with it.

I liked both Bad Boys movies, even though they weren't actually "good." Still, after The Island I thought Michael Bay might have the chops to pull this movie off (plus, let's not forget the legendary The Rock). But instead of making it to Bryan Singertown, it looks like he's headed for Brett Ratnerville.