A Bad Driving First

Yes- it has been over a month since I wrote a new post, and over two months since I wrote a real post. In my defense, I've had a lot of stuff to do. Plus I got Guitar Hero: World Tour for Christmas and you have no idea how much willpower it's taking to do something other than play that game in my free time.

So I'm going to ease my way back into this, and simply describe something that happened on the way to work today. I think I've mentioned this before, but this is a common driving practice in Southern Maryland: Picture two cars that are stopped opposite each other at a red light- one of them is turning left and the other is going straight. It is not at all out of the ordinary for the left turning car to gun it and turn in front of the oncoming traffic as soon as the light turns green, knowing full well that from the other side of the intersection are coming cars that are driving straight, clearly in possession of the right of way. I cannot understate this: this happens all the time. Almost every morning on my way to work, I honk at a left turning car as I brake, because I would've t-boned them had I just proceeded on my straight, non-turning, right of way path. I used to get mad, but it happens so often. The only reason I even honk anymore is to let them know that I know they're doing something totally illegal.

I get a variety of responses to the honk. Some people stop for a second, then continue with a puzzled look on their face as if they have no idea why I'm honking. I get a lot of the stink eye and other dirty looks. Quite often I get the finger. But this morning, well, this morning was different.

There I was, the first car at the red light, heading straight through the intersection. Opposite me was a white car with the left turn signal on. Over the years I've developed a sort of "Spidey Sense" about this- I just knew he was going to dart in front of me. I had my hand on the horn, at the ready.

The light turned green, and as a surprise to no one, the white car proceeded into the intersection, turning left directly in front of me as if I (and the cars behind me) weren't even there. So of course, I laid on the horn. This caused the white car to slow to a halt. So for those keeping score at home, allow me to set the scene. There I am, about a quarter of the way into the intersection. There's the white car, mid left turn in the center of the intersection, completely blocking traffic in either direction. The passenger window rolls down, the driver holds up his hand, extending his middle finger, hand goes down, window goes up, and the white car carries on it's way.

It's important to keep in mind that we were not the only two cars on the road. There were several people behind me, and several behind him. Through my years of honking at these people I've always been amazed by the indignant middle fingers I get for calling them out on something they know they're doing that's wrong. It's like, you know that what you're doing is illegal- why are you mad at me for pointing it out? But the gall to attempt something illegal, and when you get honked at, stop in the middle of an intersection and make 15 other cars wait in the thick of the morning rush to flip off someone that was completely right? That's a new level. Seriously, where are the cops when you need them?

The Real LP -or- The Most Boring Show on TV

I have to believe that this is a hoax. But nonetheless, check out this article from TheBay.net:

Casting Call to be Held in St. Mary's County

The producer of NBC's The Biggest Loser and Beauty and the Geek director are coming to Southern Maryland to cast 18- to 25-year-olds for a "Laguna Beach" type series that will be shot in St. Mary's County. The casting call is scheduled for Saturday, Oct. 11, from noon to 7 p.m. at TheBAYNET.com, 45370 Alton Lane, Suite 301, in California.

According to the production company, 25/7 Productions, the producer, Dave Broome of "The Biggest Loser" and Brian Smith, director of "Beauty and the Geek," will cast both males and females for a soft-scripted docu-soap similar to "The Hills" reality series.

"Aspiring actors and charismatic young people are asked to be incredibly enthusiastic, passionate and open to adventure," said Yong Yam of 25/7 Productions. “Casting good-looking young actors is a definite a plus, she said, adding casting participants must have some acting and improvisational skills and feel very natural in front of a camera. “We are looking for people with water and boating skills as well,” Yam said.

Once the show is cast, 25/7 Productions will shoot the episode within the month.

Those interested in participating should e-mail pictures of themselves – headshots – along with personal information to casting1@257tv.com.

Get involved! Perhaps someone you know will be the next world famous heart-throb, right here in St. Mary’s County!

Really? It's not just that this could be the worst reality show in a long line of terrible television- I mean, what are they going to show the kids doing? Going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday? Hitting the Green Door? Crabbing? Eating everything with Old Bay on it? The only interesting thing to do is to take day trips to DC or Annapolis, and if that's the case, why wouldn't you set the show there?

No, what really baffles me is how someone in Hollywood (California) purportedly sat down with a map of the United States, perhaps the world, and thought "Where would be a good setting for a new teenage faux-reality television series?" and came up with St. Mary's county, Maryland. There's nothing of note here other than a Navy base. And if that's what you want, there are at least one-hundred Navy bases in more interesting locations. Plus, as my co-worker Dan pointed out, you can't star anyone who works on base, because they'd never get the camera crew through the gate. There's also St. Mary's college, but...yeah.

So if they wanted an interesting place, why are they here? And if the point was to choose a boring place with nothing to do, why pick a small town that's only an hour from actual interesting places? This to me does not add up. What was the list of criteria? Did it have to be one of the top 3 micropolitan areas in the USA?

Man, if I was between 18 and 25, I would so check that out just to investigate.

And for the record, I despise reality television. I like how we now admit that it is "soft-scripted," which is a pleasant way to say "fake," and that they are openly searching for cast members with "acting and improvisational skills." For a "docu-soap" series. I think we really need to set hard definitions for "reality" and "documentary."

The Deer Lover

Yesterday while running errands I ended up stopped at a light behind a giant pickup truck. This particular driver seemed to be quite the wilderness fan, because he had a few interesting accessories on his ride (and I can't believe I found them on the web- of course I found this earlier, so anything's possible). On his back window he had this:

Okay, sure. I guess this really taps into the "Nature is Beautiful" market, and some people like deer. I guess they're okay and all, but it's not something I would hang a painting of in my house, let alone adorn my car with. Of course, there was one year at State Fair (Band Day, of course) that my buddy Andrew and I ducked into the Pepsi Coliseum because it was the only air-conditioned building on the fairgrounds and it was hot as all h-e-double hockey sticks outside. I mention this because inside said coliseum was a livestock auction. Farm folk would parade around their cows or whatnot while the announcer would tell us what we were looking at. He would describe the animals the way car magazines sometimes describe a new model, by which I mean borderline sexual and definitely creepy. He said things like "You can just sense the raw power of the hind quarters, with a very developed, muscular torso" while Andrew and I shifted uncomfortably in our seats. The one statement that I can recite verbatim (as it was indelibly burned into my memory) was "Now this here is a beautiful steer. I could look at this steer all day." Keep in mind that he was dead serious. I digress, but the point is that some people love animals. On the other hand, after a few more vivid animal descriptions we decided that the air-conditioning wasn't really worth it.

So it was established that this guy likes deer. I figured him for a hunter, but maybe he was one of those guys who likes to hunt because it lets him get out into nature and fantasize about steer. Then, I noticed his trailer hitch cover:
Click the picture. You know you want to. That is the "Hitch Critters" light up, animated trailer hitch cover. When you apply the brake, the target (I $hit you not) lights up, and the deer frantically waves his arms in the don't shoot motion depicted here. All of this makes for quite and effect when combined with the look of sheer terror frozen in the deer's eyes.

This is a good time to mention that I don't have a problem with hunting. First and foremost, deer are wild cow. They meander about in the woods, eating grass and bark, and they fill their spot on the food chain. Hunting is really the only means we have of controlling the population, so as long as they stick within the limits, go for it. I don't see how anyone who eats meat can oppose (regulated) hunting. I think a lot of this has to do with the Bambi effect, by which I mean deer romanticized as something greater than say, a goat. My pastor in high school once made a point about how Hollywood influences people, by pointing out that hunting dropped dramatically after Bambi was released in theatres. I tend to believe that it was because the US had just entered World War II, but that's just me. Keep in mind that this is the same pastor who presented me with the watch theory.

What troubles me about this truck was the dichotomy it presented. It's like the window says "I like deer," and the hitch adds "by which I mean I like to shoot them." Like "This is where deer live, and this is where I insert the bullet." "This is how deer look frolicking in the woods, and this is what they look like begging for their lives." It's like the guy is at once trying to show that he loves nature's creatures, but also makes comical references to killing defenceless animals in cold blood.

Maybe the "Don't Shoot" deer was part of an anti-hunting statement, but somehow I doubt it.

Mat Skills

A few weeks ago I bought some ancient sheet music of Hail Purdue, and I want to frame it for my ridiculous Purdue room. But when it arrived, I could see that it was pulled from a book of school songs- so not only was it a weird size that I couldn't find a frame for, but Hail Purdue only covered a page and a half. The last half page is the Penn State Alma Mater. So, since there's no way I would hang a framed Penn State song in my house (not even in the bathroom) I needed to get a mat cut.

Now, my Dad has all sorts of mat-making supplies at his house, so it kills me to order them from Michael's, but that was sort of my only option. I placed my order, and a few days ago they called me to say that it was in (mat cutting is apparently so tricky it must be out sourced). It was to be 3 cuts: One whole page, one half page, and the remaining space would have a hole for a Purdue themed 3x5 to be named later.

So today during a hellacious errand session I stopped in to pick it up. They said "Name?" I replied "Marc Burgess." They handed me the mat wrapped up in some nice protective cardboard. Here's some foreshadowing for you: My brain yelled "Open it up and check it! Do it now!" But I thought, no, it looks like the right general size, it has my name on it, and I don't have the music with me to check it anyway. So away I went.

At home, I opened the package, aflutter with anticipation, and this is what was inside:

An 11x14 pink suede mat with a 1/2 inch square cutout in the center. Not exactly what I had in mind. Wondering how such a grandiose error could have happened, I re-examined the package. It clearly said "Customer: Marv Burgess." Ah hah. So the answer is that this is some one else's mat. I guess it was an honest enough mistake, being that the name is only one letter off, but this raises a bigger question: What exactly is Marv framing? A postage stamp? A bug on a pin like at the Smithsonian?

After a few minutes of cursing myself for not looking at it in the store, I set out to exchange it for the proper mat. Keep in mind that Michael's is on the other end of town, and it's a solid 20 minute drive. But it's Sunday, and I'd already worked out and went to Target. What else was I going to do?

I get back to the mat counter and wait for service. Here's a tangent: there's no bell or anything, so you just have to stand there at the counter until someone in the back framing area notices you. I guess you could clear your throat loudly or say "Hey" or something, but then you seem like an impatient jerk. When they happen to notice you in passing, you're always greeted the same way "Do you need something?" I say "Yes, I have a problem with a mat" when what I want to say is "No, I just like standing at a counter in the back of a crafts store." Anyway, back on track.

So the same girl that gave me the mat this morning comes out and asks what I need. I say "I picked this up this morning, but I think it's someone else's order." She asks "Did you look at it?" I say "Yes, and it has a different name and order number on the package." So opens it up and thoughtfully examines it, and asks "So what's wrong with it?" "Pretty much everything, from my perspective- It's the wrong size, wrong material and color, and the wrong cut. It is in fact someone else's mat that I was given by mistake" I replied, foolishly thinking I had made a bullet-proof argument. She thinks for a second too long and asks "So...you need a new cut in it?" This is one of many exchanges in Southern Maryland that make me wonder, am I speaking English? I mean, I can understand what she's saying. I said "No, this is the wrong mat order. I'd like you to take this and see if you have the mat I ordered in the back room. I'm not entirely sure what this mat could be used for." She once again looks it over and says in a slow manner "I...need to...ask someone a question" and flees to the back room. In a few minutes she returns to inform me of the only way this story could end- Marv has my mat. They need to call him and see if they can get mine back, or just order me a new one. They'll call me when they have it in. On the plus side, she did find out that Marv is making a clock with this, so that's one mystery down.

That was the worst part of horrible errand day, but the weekend still gets an A+. Erica came down on Friday, and I showed her season 1 of The Office, and she agreed that it was a fantastic show. That makes 2 television programs that we both watch, effectively doubling pop culture references I can make. We had dinner at a local Italian place and it was good times all around. Saturday I went with friends to a free sneak preview of 300, and to quote my buddy Liam, "It rocked so hard I almost had to cut my own head off." All in all, good times. And next time I'm checking the mat before I leave the store.