Simulators/YouTube Gems

I'm blogging from Long Island (pronounced lawn-guy-lend) tonight, where I'm spending a few days while meeting with Northrop Grumman. The meetings were nice and productive, but the coolest part was when Jerome (my counterpart on the E-2) took me over to see the new simulator NGC is setting up to train pilots. And since no one was using it, they let us in to give it a shot.

Now, you may have heard me talk about flying the 737 simulator at MPC, which is another vendor in Chicago. It's set up right next to their large conference room, and people are invited to try it out during breaks. Well, I was at one meeting with several amateur pilots. Granted they were used to flying little Cessnas and whatnot, but I watched them crash that thing one after another. When I decided to give it a go, I executed a beautiful takeoff, circled the Sears Tower, and made a picture-perfect landing at O'Hare. The old guys were all duly impressed- it may be one of the proudest moments of my life. One of them asked "Wait, do you have a pilot's licence?" I said "No, but I've played a lot of video games." Therefore, if I'm ever on a 737 and the pilots become incapacitated somehow, I feel I should be the one to take control while the tower talks me down.

That said, if I'm ever on an E-2D Advanced Hawkeye and the pilots are incapacitated, keep me out of the cockpit. We couldn't keep that thing in the air! I don't know if the software wasn't set yet or what, but I have a lot more respect for Hawkeye pilots now.

So now I'm killing a little time in the hotel, and I figured I'd share some real gems I found on YouTube. First off, check out these Transformer costumes. The Optimus Prime guy at the end totally takes the cake!

And while we're at it, check out this "real life" Transformer that's all kinds of awesome. My favorite part is the anime-tastic pose it strikes- If it had fingers, I guarantee that it would have thrown up a peace sign.

Navy Training

We have to take a lot of training here at the Navy. We have a requirement to acquire at least 80 hours of it every two years- just like when I worked for Honeywell. Except with Honeywell, it was a department average (meaning the hours of training taken by a department divided by the number of employees had to exceed 80) leading us to speculate that we would be better off if each group hired a "training guy," who just spent all of his time in class while the rest of us got our work done. I mean, that's a win-win-win! Alas, here you're actually accountable for every one of those hours personally.

I'm all in favor of continuous learning, especially when it's a course that helps me do my job better, or teaches me something new. However, 95% of the stuff we take is Prevention of Sexual Harassment, or Phishing Prevention, or Trafficking in Persons Awareness*- stuff that you should really know already, or that's common sense. Plus, they changed the way it's tracked: now it's 80 hours of training per "period." What's a period, you ask? Well, it's however long it takes you to get 80 hours, but it must be less than two years. This means that as soon as you hit 80, your personal training timer resets. I'll describe how I discovered this for you:

I started here in January 2003. So, when I had accumulated 80 hours of training I was set until January 2005. When January 2005 rolled around, I had until January 2007 to get another 80 hours. Being no dummy, I signed up for a two week course in February 2005, which knocked out my requirement for the next two years right off the bat. Therefore, I didn't have to do anything until January 2007, at which point I would have another two full years to get my next 80, right? Wrong! They had just changed the rules, so as soon as I finished the class, my training period reset. I was now on the hook for another 80 hours by February 2007! Even though I had just completed 80 hours! RARR! My brilliant plan lay in tatters- I had essentially spent two weeks in a class for nothing. Well, other than learning about Navy systems acquisition, but you know what I mean.

I wasn't the only person outraged by this new procedure, and HR was flooded with complaints and questions about why it was changed. Their answer was that "this will make people take their training more regularly, instead of meeting their requirement early and then not taking any classes for a few years." Are they kidding!? They just removed any and all motivation to do training ahead of time! This immediately had the effect we all predicted it would: now no one takes anything ahead of time, and we all wait until the last minute to take training. We're no fools. This is not the first time HR launched a plan that ended up resulting in the exact opposite of what they intended.

Anyway, that brings us to today, when I took the required ERP overview training (which was the whole motivation for this rant). It's pretty bad, because it's a web-based slideshow, and the guy has a boring, droning voice, and he's just reading the slides, and it's really dull, etc. What took the cake was the quizzes that are sprinkled throughout the slides. This was my favorite question, reprinted verbatim:

What are the three ways to acquire an asset?
A. CPP Acquisition
B. Manual Acquisition
C. PR/PO Acquisition
D. All of the above

Is that a joke? I mean, the question asks for three answers! Maybe if each choice listed three different things this would be valid, but as it stands, there's only one possible answer. Needless to say, the quizzes weren't very taxing.

Another annoying thing about this class is that they use the same stock photography over and over on the slides. This picture has been used numerous times, and I like it for a couple of reasons. First, the way you can see the muzzle flashes from all three guns (as though they all fired at the very instant the camera snapped) reminds me of the old GI Joe Box art. Second, it made me think of the movie The Transporter, which was the first movie I saw in which during the on-screen shootouts the bullets made visible tracer-like streaks, leading to this exchange between Jamie and me:

Me: I like that they added in streaks to make you feel like you could see the bullets. It was a nice pratical use of CG.
Jamie: It didn't have to be CG- they could have used tracer bullets and slowed down the film speed.
Me: Are you suggesting that they were actually shooting at the actors during filming?

I didn't actually finish the training today, which means I get to do more tomorrow. I did get to the part where they explain that ERP is directly tied to me getting paid (which is one of the main reasons I go to work at all**) so you can be sure I'm going to finish it.

* Trafficking in Persons may well be my favorite training course ever, and could be a post in itself. The point of the course was to teach you to recognize situations in which people could be slaves or indentured servants, and how to report it. It was a web-based Java applet that played like a game in which you actually steered a little guy around town, and when you went into different buildings little Choose Your Own Adventure-like dialogue boxes popped up depending on where you were. For instance, in the restaurant it told you things like "You notice that the cook is chained to the grill," or in the brothel you "notice that the girls seem to be very young." I am not making this up. I guess it's important to note that everyone in the Navy had to take this, so it's probably meant more for the 18-year-old enlisted guy who is now on shore leave in Thailand after leaving the farm for the first time than it is for a bunch of civilian engineers.

** Other reasons include free shirts/jackets/pens that are branded with our division title, which I once again use outside the office now that our name switched back to "Air Vehicle Engineering" after a baffling stint with the redundant "Aircraft and Unmanned Air Vehicle Engineering." Also, sometimes people bring in donuts.

Japanese Pranks

Ramya showed me this forever ago, and I'm finally getting around to posting it. We may think we have some fun prank shows, what with our Candid Camera and Totally Hidden Video, but it looks like the Japanese really go all out. Either you don't need people's permission to show them on TV in Japan, or these people were some really good sports!

And if you liked that, check out this slightly more risque episode. One thing's for sure: if I ever go to Japan, I'm not using any porta-potties.

The Mt. Vernon Experience

This weekend Ramya and I decided to do something touristy, but we wanted to see something neither of us had seen before. After batting around several ideas, we realized that neither of us had ever been to Mt. Vernon, home of America's first president. I have to say, it was actually pretty sweet!Not only is it the house (partially restored, partially original) and surrounding gardens, but there are couple of brand new attractions, including a visitor's center and museum. The site does say that they encompass 25 galleries and theatres, and there had to be at least that many. The main attraction in the visitor's center is billed as "a major movie" about George Washington. The really took this seriously- there are signs everywhere warning you that the film may not be suitable for children, and it contains scenes of a graphic nature, etc. The guy who let us into the theatre made an announcement that you are free to take your children out at any time. Then we were shown a five-minute overview of Mt. Vernon (hosted by none other than Pat Sajak), then a video warning that this movie might be too violent for some viewers. And they weren't kidding- this movie had it all: graphic bullet wounds, blood spatters, soldiers dying of a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head- it probably couldn't be shown on an over the air broadcast. Which is to say that it was awesome. Right now Facebook has an application that lets you rank the top ten movies of the summer, and Ramya said if the Mt. Vernon intro movie was an option she would've given it at least the number two spot (it at least beat the heck out of Pirates of the Caribbean 3).

Startling intro movies aside, the only other things the welcome center had to offer was a Statue, a model of the main house, and $3 bottles of official Mt. Vernon water. To expand, here's the statue, which made us wonder why the kids seemed so young- Ramya's theory is that they weren't really his kids; they were models brought in for the statue op. Turns out that Martha Washington had two children from a previous marriage, and George never had any biological children (that we know about). When Martha's son died, she and George raised his children as their own, hence the age gap. See? Live and learn. The model was pretty neat, but I never understood the whole "let's look at a model when the real thing is 100 yards away" deal. Apparently this is especially evident at the ruins of Chichen Itza, where the models in the visitor's center are protected by armed guards while you're allowed to climb unsupervised all over the real things. Anyway, the purpose of the model became clear when the roof motored up so you could peer into the third floor, which is closed to visitors. There were little mirrors hanging on the ceiling which let you see it from all angles, and prompted Ramya to say "Oh man, George was a pimp!" I have nothing to add about the water, other than that there were 3 big vending machines, and all that was in them was the one type of bottled water. I am now lamenting the fact that we didn't take a picture pretending that we were trying to decide what to get, because that idea had some potential.
After that was the tour of the house itself, which is beautifully restored. It's all staffed by very enthusiastic employees who give their spiel as you walk through (over and over, God bless 'em) and answer any questions. It is pretty neat when they point out original parts of the house, especially when they say thing like "You are now using the exact same handrail that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Patrick Henry used." They've even gone so far as to limit development on the Potomac, to preserve the view from the porch exactly as it was in Washington's time (which you can kind of see in the picture above). There are several other buildings on the estate that have been restored, all littered with little informational placards like this one from the Clerk's Quarters:I show you this to point out that each little placard starts with a relevant quote from George himself. This is all well and good, but check out the one from the paint cellar:Was that really necessary? I said that I was surprised there wasn't a placard on his sock drawer that said something like "Ensure that both my blue and black socks are properly matched, for I cannot differentiate them in the early morn..." There's plenty of other things to see, including the Washington's tomb, wharf, and a monument to the African-American laborers (not that it evens the score, but I'm glad to see they acknowledge slavery). We wanted to do the forest nature trail, but honestly, we ran out of time. This was the opposite of the typical museum trip I take: instead of blowing through the whole thing and wondering what to do next, there was a lot more to see than we planned on, and we had to skip some stuff to fit in the museum before closing.

Now, they went all out on the museum. Not only did they have genuine artifacts and antiques, but there were several current and high-tech attractions, like interactive multi-media exhibits. There were several short films, ranging from little History channel clips to full on Disney-like immersive theatres. One had several high definition screens, filled with fog during the crossing of the Delaware, and during a winter battle scene kicked out little tiny bubbles that looked like snow (but did NOT taste like it).

As we approached the section on George's dental health (there was more detail than you ever wanted to know- suffice to say that the poor guy had some bad teeth) I dazzled Ramya with my trivia knowledge by asking her who made his false teeth. The answer, of course, being Paul Revere. But throughout the whole exhibit, there was no mention of America's favorite silversmith/dentist. Knowing that I didn't make that up myself, I did a very thorough Googleing to find that apparently this was a popular myth. I feel like I've been living a lie.

I guess my point is that if you come to visit me, and we can't think of anything to do around here that we haven't already done, I'm totally going to take you to Mt. Vernon. If you want to see the rest of our pictures, you can head on over to good old Wal-mart.

Notes from La-la-wood

In case anyone was wondering, yes- it is beautiful in LA. It’s been in the low 70s, perfectly sunny, not humid at all, a nice breeze, the whole deal. Sometimes the great weather makes you realize why people put up with all the annoyances of California and mortgage their whole life to live here. I wouldn’t, but I can see the appeal. Also, this is the first time I’ve been here for work in the summer. Every morning the lobby is full of tour groups wearing their matching shirts or hats, bound for Disneyland of Hollywood while I head off for another day of PowerPoint- but I’m not bitter. Because it’s 103 degrees with 85% humidity at home. Anyway.

So last weekend was pretty fun. Ramya and I pretty much just watched movies, and taste in cinema is one of the many ways we seem to not be so much “compatible” as we are “the same person.” For a quick rundown, we watched:

• Hot Shots! Part Deux- Always a winner. As I said before, I consider this the finest movie of the “Airplane” genre. Back during my freshman year of college when I lived with Brad and didn’t have cable, this was one of the 4 videos in our possession. I can honestly say that I have seen it at least 50 times. That might not seem like much in this great world of hyperbole, but think about it- we watched it at least 2 or 3 times a week that first semester, then it tapered off. Anyway, Ramya’s evaluation was “That was kind of dumb,” which means I did a poor job of explaining the movie beforehand.
• Evan Almighty- I deemed this a rental, but it was playing at the base theatre, and Ramya loves Steve Carrell, so we gave it a shot. Her first comment after the movie was “I’m sorry.” I mean, it was pretty bad. The jokes weren’t funny, and it seemed like the movie had a point, but it didn’t know what it was. Plus, we had some really annoying people around us in the theatre, most notably the woman behind us who had to comment on everything. Lame comments like “Oh no!” and “What now?” All through the movie God (Morgan Freeman in what I’m sure was a contractually obligated role) tells Evan to perform acts of random kindness. Then, at the end when Evan asks why he was supposed to do this all, God tells him “I told you- perform Acts…of Random…Kindness” while writing ARK in the dirt with a stick. That pretty much summed up the film. Ramya and I rolled our eyes at each other while the lady behind us said “Oh! A, R, K!” as though now it all made sense.
• Borat- Everyone loved this movie, and Target had it for $8, so I bought it unseen (which I try not to do, but c’mon- 8 freakin’ dollars). I enjoyed it, but mostly because Sacha Baron Cohen is remarkably quick and funny on his feet. Unfortunately though, I’m not comfortable re-printing any of the funny jokes. But it also had that Tom Green-ish quality of “Let’s laugh at the people who aren’t in on the joke” that always makes me feel awkward by proxy, so if that bothers you, stay away.
• Trekkies- Howard had a roommate that once said “Whenever I’m feeling lame and down on myself, I pop Trekkies in the VCR and think ‘Ah…my life is okay.’” It’s a documentary about people who loves them some Star Trek, and I think it should be a lesson in moderation for us all. They profile several fans who love Star Trek more than I love Transformers, Purdue, Nintendo, GI Joe and cherry bites combined, including a dentist whose entire office is Trek-themed and who requires all his employees to dress up as different characters. My favorite fan was “The Commander,” a woman who created a dork media circus by wearing her Star Trek uniform to court while serving jury duty. Her rationale was “If I was in the Army, I would wear my Army uniform,” and since she was the commander of her local Star Trek chapter, she figured that was pretty much the same thing. Okay, while I don’t agree, I guess I can see her point. If you have adopted a sci-fi television show’s uniform as your own, that’s one thing. But at some point you have to look at the phaser and tricorder on your belt (which she always wears- even when not in uniform) and think “I’m deciding the fate of another human being while wearing not one, but two children’s toys.” Long story short, I definitely recommend the film.
• The Simpson’s Movie- Yes, it was basically a two-hour episode of a show you can watch for free on television. But, it’s still worth seeing, if only as a rental. They did take the opportunity to push it a little further and do things they couldn’t do on the air, but it was basically what you’d expect, including several quotable lines. They managed to work in just about every side character, except (As Ramya pointed out) Apu, who is a total cornerstone (in addition to being Ramya’s favorite- and I’m sure we’ll discuss how a total Indian immigrant stereotype is an Indian girl’s favorite character at length later). If you’re a fan of the show, check it out, but feel free to wait and Netflix it.
• Transformers- We didn't watch this, but I thought of something else. If they have all this advanced technology, why does Bumblebee have to signal the other Transformers with a Batsignal-like Autobot logo projected in the air? Shouldn’t they have a better and more discreet way to do this, like some sort of transponder or GPS? It’s just one more thing that doesn’t add up.

So tomorrow I head for home (on a 6:00 am flight- eewww) where I should remain for about two weeks before heading back out. Ramya informed me that this is restaurant week in DC, which means all the fancy eateries are giving massive discounts. So we have a reservation at Ruth’s Chris at 9:30 tomorrow, which Ramya will tell you is basically my bedtime (and she’s not exaggerating too much)- but to get a three-course steak dinner for $30 I’m totally willing to shift my schedule. Then Saturday we’re planning to do something touristy in DC, but we don’t know what yet. Any suggestions?

Have a great weekend!

Who Do They Think They're Fooling?

Take a look at this Travelocity ad. When I saw it, my first thought was "Wow, how did they get everyone to go down the slide at the same speed so they could snap the picture with everyone right at the bottom?" You know, they're all different sizes and weights. Now, Galileo taught us that weight doesn't affect how fast things fall, but the friction because of their size would wreak havoc on their synchronicity.

But then, I looked a little closer. They aren't actually moving! They're all just sitting there at the bottom of the slide pretending that they're sliding down! You can tell (it's easier if you click on it) because the water dripping off their heels is going straight down. Doesn't the whole thing just seem extremely lame now?

When I saw this I was at work (sharpening the saw) and I called over Shelley and we had this exchange.

Marc: Shelley! Look! These people aren't sliding! They're just pretending to slide!
Shelley: Well...yeah.

Shelley's complete lack of outrage at Travelocity's trickery and appreciation for my discovery makes me think this might be another one of those things that only bothers me. All I know is that in the future I'm going to keep a better eye out for fakers and not be distracted by their reasonably priced Orlando hotels.

New Orleans: Not So Much.

I'm back in the LP, if only for a few days. People have been asking me what I thought of New Orleans, and I've been finding it hard to stick the old adage about "If you can't say something nice..." It's really hard to give a fair evaluation, because the poor city has had a rough couple of years. And keep in mind that I was there for 3 days on a business trip, and I just wanted to get in, go to the meeting, and get back. Had I been looking for the world's strongest 2-for-1 drink special or transvestite hookers it probably would have been a much different trip.

That said, it's pretty hard to tell how much of the general disarray was due to the hurricane, and how much is just plain neglect. My biggest annoyance was the street signs- tons of them were damaged. Speed limit and even stop signs were twisted around so that you couldn't see them when driving, and some road signs had been rotated 90 degrees so that they made you think you were on the wrong street. I don't know much about disaster recovery, but it seems like helping outsiders navigate would be something of a priority.

Speaking of the streets, there were potholes that you could lose a Ford Focus in everywhere, but at least they gave revelers somewhere to throw their beer cans. Most of the sidewalks were in a pretty sad state of disrepair, creating a plethora of puddles filled with what I'm sure was clean water. And it wasn't until I was out at night (in a big group- I'm no dummy) that I noticed about 3/4 of the businesses are vacant. Many are boarded up, and some are just sitting there with broken windows, full of garbage. And let's not forget- New Orleans is a freaking swamp, so it was hot and humid the entire time. It's not my type of place.

And what about Bourbon Street? Ah yes- although it's the last place I would ever go for a vacation, I figured since I was there anyway (my hotel was about a block from the French Quarter) I had to check it out. It's pretty much exactly what I expected, but it's hard to accurately imagine the smell of garbage, urine, spilled beer and vomit that permeates the place. We walked from one end to the other, until we reached all the bars with the rainbow flags and one of my coworkers informed me "This is where we turn around." Every business there is either a bar, a strip club, or a chinsy tourist shop, with the occasional restaurant for variety. It was uniformly dirty and garbage laden, but I thought the worst part was the "barkers." By which I mean that every seedy establishment had a guy out on the street basically manhandling you, trying to get you inside because they had either the cheapest drinks or the youngest girls. It was a bit of a low as far their tourist season goes, but I could definitely envision the whole place being packed with revelers staggering from one bar to the next. It's like when the Real World was in New Orleans, and I would (accidentally) see shots of them partying, and think "Wow, that is the most uncomfortable situation I can imagine."

So, I'm sure New Orleans has it's nice parts- I just didn't see any of them on this trip. We need to do a follow-up meeting in a few weeks, and it's either going to be there or in Corpus Cristi, Texas. I said "Corpus would work for me!"

As for my short term plans, Ramya is coming down to hang out, and we have no plans other than watching Hot Shots Part Deux (which is, in my opinion, the funniest movie of it's genre) and making French Toast, so that's already shaping up to be a winner! On Sunday I'm going to drive up there so we can do some shopping during Virginia's tax-free weekend. Woo-hoo! Then next week I'm off to LA, which should be an infinitely better destination than I had this week.

Totally unrelated: Check out this web comic, which proves I wasn't alone in my thoughts about Tranformers. This one's pretty funny as well. Also, awesome.